Hot Smut & Ham
by JellyBean30
Summary: HAMERON SMUT! OneShot! Green Eggs & Ham parodysmut mix. Seriously. Rated M cuz its so wrong!


**Title: Hot Smut & Ham****  
****Author: JellyBean30****  
****Pairing(s): House/Cameron****  
****Warnings: If you have strong feelings about Dr. Seuss this isn't for you.**

**Hot Smut & Ham**

**Cameron:**I am Cam  
Cam I am

**House:**That Cam-I-am  
That Cam-I-am  
I do not like  
That Cam-I-am

**Cameron:**Do you like  
Hot Smut & Ham?

**House:**I do not like that,  
Cam-I-am  
I do not like  
Hot Smut & Ham.

**Cameron:**Would you like that here or there?

**House:**I would not like that here or there.  
I would not like that anywhere.  
I do not like Hot Smut & Ham  
I do not like that, Cam-I-am.

**Cameron:**Would you like that on the floor?  
Would you like that 'gainst the door?

**House:**I do not like that on the floor.  
I do not like that 'gainst the door.  
I do not like that here or there  
I do not like that anywhere.  
I do not like Hot Smut & Ham.  
I do not like that, Cam-I-am.

**Cameron:**Would you like to lick my box?  
Would you wear your Nike Shox?

**House:**Not lick your box.  
Not in my Shox.  
Not on the floor.  
Not 'gainst the door.  
I would not like that here or there.  
I would not like that anywhere.  
I would not like Hot Smut & Ham.  
I do not like that, Cam-I-am.

**Cameron:**Would you? Could you? In a car?  
Eat me! Eat me! Near or Far.

**House:**I would not, could not, in a car.

**Cameron:**You may like it. You will see. You may like it in a tree!

**House:**I would not, could not in a tree.  
Not in a car! You let me be.  
I do not like to lick your box.  
I do not like that in my Shox.  
I do not like that on the floor.  
I do not like that 'gainst the door.  
I do not like that here or there.  
I do not like that anywhere.  
I do not like Hot Smut & Ham.  
I do not like that, Cam-I-am.

**Cameron:**A train! A train! A train! A train!  
Could you, would you on a train?

**House:**Not on a train! Not in a tree!  
Not in a car! Cam! Let me be!  
I would not, could not, lick your box.  
I could not, would not in my Shox.  
I will not do that on the floor.  
I will not do that 'gainst the door.  
I will not do that here or there.  
I will not do that anywhere.  
I do not like Hot Smut & Ham.  
I do not like that, Cam-I-am!

**Cameron:** Would you, could you in the rain.

**House:**I will not do that in the rain.  
I will not do that on a train.  
Not in the dark! Not in a tree!  
Not in a car! You let me be!  
I do not like to lick your box.  
I do not like it in my Shox.  
I will not do that on the floor.  
I will not do that 'gainst the door.  
I do not like that here or there.  
I do not like that anywhere.  
I do not like Hot Smut & Ham.  
I do not like that, Cam-I-am.

**Cameron:**You do not like that, so you say.  
Try it! Try it! And you may.  
Try it and you may, I say.

**House:**Cam! If you will let me be, I will try it. You will see.

_He'd finally had more than he could take. For days she'd been subtly trying to tempt him. The tension between her and Chase was obvious, even more obvious was the reason. No more rides on Space Mountain. He waited almost three whole days before he stalked her into the lab to make a crass comment, something to the effect that she must be a lousy lay if she couldn't even satisfy the pretty-boy. __She'd stunned him with her come back. 'Why don't you find out for yourself?' He had walked out and they'd not spoken since. Then came the short skirts and slutty heels. Today it had actually been low-rider jeans. As he came down the hall and saw his office blinds closed, he furrowed his brow. He opened the door and there she was, sitting in his chair. He locked the door behind him._

_House dropped his cane to the floor; the resulting clatter grating on Cameron's already frazzled nerves. Slowly and deliberately he crossed his office until he stood before her. Seated in his desk chair, Cameron's eyes were nearly even with his groin and she noted his arousal with satisfaction. She allowed her eyes to crawl up his lean body, taking in every inch of this glorious man until she reached his face. She inhaled sharply when her gaze locked with his; never had she seen his eyes so intense. __Her hands shaking with anticipation, Cameron reached out and began to unbuckle his belt. House gripped her wrist._

"_I thought you women were all about the foreplay," he snarked._

"_It's been three years," Cameron said. "Enough foreplay." House released his grasp and Cameron removed his belt. She undid the button at the top of his jeans and House hissed ever so slightly when she leaned forward to lower his zipper with her teeth. Just the sight of Cameron's head in his crotch was enough to make him want to throw her down on the floor, but he desperately wanted to see just how far she was willing to take this._

_His patience was rewarded when seconds later she wrapped her luscious lips around his shaft. He tangled his fingers in her hair and shifted left, leaning more heavily on his good leg. The though that he should have taken a Vicodin first passed briefly through his mind, but was quickly driven out, along with all rational thoughts, as Cameron sucked and slithered her tongue over him. He tensed momentarily when Cameron rested her hands on his thighs, but she never faltered in her rhythm and he forgot to worry about his scar. A small groan, almost inaudible, escaped his lips. It wasn't quiet enough. When it reached Cameron's ears she hummed contentedly and the vibration nearly sent House over the edge. _

"_Stop," he commanded and pleaded. Cameron slid her lips up and up until she released him, pausing only to gently lick the very tip of him. She looked up at him expectantly. House held out a hand to her and she took it. He pulled her to standing and leaned in for a long, slow, breathtaking kiss; the kind of kiss that made your knees tremble, your eyes close and your panties wet. Cameron pulled back to take a breath, honestly afraid she might pass out. _

_House traded places with Cameron and sat in his chair, wanting to give his leg a rest before it had the chance to spoil this for him. Still holding Cameron's hand, he pulled her lithe frame into his lap. She gingerly sat on his good leg as though trying not to hurt him._

"_Cameron, you weigh about 100 pounds," House remarked. "Besides, you're going to want to get comfy." Before she could even respond, her pants were undone and his fingers were inside her. He was pleased to feel how ready she was and grinned when the nails of her right hand, now wrapped around his neck, dug into his shoulder. There would be marks there tomorrow, but House didn't care. He might even show them off. Working his long, dexterous fingers inside her, he brought his thumb up to massage her clitoris. Cameron gripped the arm of the chair behind her and dug her nails in even deeper. _

"_Look at me," House ordered. Cameron opened her eyes and stared into the blue abyss she'd longed to see. House watched Cameron's face with fascination; her eyes fluttered, her eyebrows knotted, her bottom lip clamped between her teeth. When she opened her mouth to let loose the moan she could no longer contain, House raised his left hand to the back of her head and forced her lips to his. Their tongues danced, slowly at first and then more frantically as Cameron reached her climax. Cameron pressed her forehead to House's and tried to regulate her breathing._

"_You know that yellow chair reclines," House suggested. Cameron smiled, a devilish sort of smile, and House could feel his groin twitching at the sight of it. She stood from his lap and took his hands. Walking backwards, Cameron led House to the yellow chair. House sat. Cameron leaned in and coaxed his jeans and boxers past his slender hips before quickly removing her pants and panties. _

_Cameron climbed into his lap and straddled him, very carefully placing her left knee to avoid his thigh. House reached out his arm and pulled the reclining lever, lowering the chair until he was nearly flat. Cameron hovered above him, raising an eyebrow. Understanding dawned and House searched his pockets and smirked that for the first time he was grateful to still be clothed. Finally finding his wallet, he removed a condom and handed it to Cameron. She slid the condom on him slowly and House growled. Smiling, Cameron positioned him at her entrance and he entered her quickly with a powerful thrust of his hips. _

_They began a quick pace, hips rolling and thrusting with vigor. Cameron's fisted hands twisted his t-shirt tight around his chest, but House barely noticed. He grabbed the arms of the chair and dug in his elbows for better leverage. He could feel his climax coming and by the way Cameron was biting her lower lip so could she. Cameron moaned and closed her eyes, a tear escaping and rolling down her flushed cheek. Taking his cue, House let himself go and joined her in maybe the most powerful orgasm he'd ever had. _

_Once they were tidied up and redressed, Cameron nestled into House's side and House stroking her hair, House realized he'd been wrong. _

**House:** Say! I like Hot Smut & Ham!  
I do! I like it, Cam-I-am!  
And I will do it in the rain.  
And in the dark. And on a train.  
And in a car. And in a tree.  
It is so good, so good, you see!  
So I would love to lick your box.  
And I will do it in my Shox.  
And I will do on the floor.  
And I will do it 'gainst the door.  
And I will do it here and there.  
Say! I will do it ANYWHERE!  
I do so like Hot Smut & Ham!  
Thank you! Thank you, Cam-I-am!


End file.
